Heartbroken

Heartbroken, heart sick.  How do you describe the indescribable?

Yesterday I was off in a rush to make some last Christmas purchases for my precious babies.  Macho Man was home with the Hubs and the girls were at school safe and sound.  About the time I entered the American Girl store some sweet, sweet babies many miles away were facing an inexplicable horror.  Pure evil.

The first I heard of it, I was in a dressing room in J Crew.  No real details were given.

Then I got home and turned on the television.  Immediately, I became glued to the television and the tears began to fall.

How could this happen?  How could you look at those precious babies in the face and commit such a heinous crime?  Why?

Lovebug had a sleepover to go to (and I obliged even though I wanted to keep her in arm's reach) so we piled the two littles into the car to look at Christmas lights and grab dinner.  The everyday.  The seemingly ordinary.  I kept looking at them at the back seat and tears kept springing to my eyes.  I felt thankful, but I also felt guilty for being able to enjoy such a simple pleasure with my children while others were experiencing the unthinkable. 

I let Birdie fall asleep with me on the couch last night and then we had a "sleepover" in Mommy's bed.  Very early this morning I woke up to those big blue eyes looking at me.  Again, I felt thankful...and guilty.  For some, this was the first morning that they woke up without their child.  As I looked into her eyes, I again wondered "How?"  How could someone look an innocent child in the eyes and still be heartless enough to pull the trigger?

I just looked at the victims list.  The majority of them are the same age as Birdie.  6.  6 few years.  Their parents everything.  I let my mind wonder to thoughts that I shouldn't.  Christmas presents that will never be opened.  What the 13th or 14th victim was thinking as this was all going on.  Parents remembering their goodbyes from just that morning.  That last hug.  The final "I love you". 

 I think I will have to quit watching the news.  It's too overwhelming to comprehend.  And again, I feel guilty.

Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Plans

Lately I have found myself thanking God repeatedly for the same thing over and over. 

Thanking him for Macho Man specifically. 

After Birdie,  I had thought I wanted to have one more baby, but after being off of birth control (tmi?) for quite a while and not being pregnant I started making plans.

Plans for a family of 4...not 5.  Traveling more.  No more baby toys, furniture, etc. all around the house.  Sleeping in on Saturdays.  Smaller car.

I made my list and did the whole pro and cons of getting pregnant again.  I made a decision.  I was done with babies...and I was fine with that in my heart.  So much so that when I found out I was pregnant I cried.  I mean, cried cried.  And it pains my heart to say this, they were not happy tears.  I cried for a week.  Finally I accepted that I was in deed pregnant, but I wasn't ever over the moon excited.  I spent the last 2 weeks of pregnancy very sick and that didn't help things. 

Macho Man was born on November 5th and I fell in love with him immediately...BUT...I just felt off.  Then the horrible feeling like I was drowning started.  I felt like I literally couldn't come up for air and that the weight of everything was just pushing in all around me.  Looking back I realize that I was suffering from postpartum depression.  It sucked.  Macho Man bonded with the Hubs so much quicker and easier than with me.  And that made it even worse.

But here we are three years later and I think of how this family would have never in a million years have been complete without my spirited, sweet little boy.  His hugs and kisses make my heart melt.  He's a Mama's boy that thinks of his Daddy as his best friend. 

Another example of how God (and his plans) are always perfect!!

Birdie says

"Me and Papa are just alike.  We both love me."~~only Birdie

Wordless Wednesday--the Faithful Girls

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for so many things, but sometimes it really is just the smallest or most simply things that count for so much in the everyday scheme of things.  Here's a few of the things that bring a smile to my face:

Good music.  Yep.  That simple.  There is nothing like riding in the car with the kiddos and everyone belting out a tune together.  At the same time, how happy do you get when you hear a song that just takes you back to a different place or time?  I've already experienced both this morning and they are both equally wonderful.

A good ole Clemson sunset.  I am privileged to live in God's Country as we call it in the Upstate and I swear he paints the sky purple and orange just for us Tigers every evening.

Texting.  I am not a phone talker, except to the Hubs and maybe a handful of my closest friends.  Texting is completely my jam!

A good smelling candle.  Is there really anything better than walking into a room and it be filled with one of your favorite scents??  (If the room is still clean from where you cleaned it up 15 minutes earlier that's like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!)

Magazines and catalogs in my mailbox.  While I admit, I hate having to deal with mounds of mail (just like laundry!), I love getting all snug in the bed after all the littles are asleep, watching some smut television and just pouring over my magazines and catalogs.

It's the little things, folks.  

Wordless Wednesday--how we spent Macho Man's 3rd birthday!:)

(Thank you, Tiff for another great photo shoot and sharing yet another special day with us!)

Rock the Vote!

I am thankful that today is (finally) election day and that I am a citizen of a country that allows us the opportunity to have a voice in our government.  I am thankful for the men and women who bravely fight to protect and preserve that opportunity.  I am not thankful, however, for all the name calling and general nastiness I have read on facebook in the past few weeks regarding people's choices.  Regardless of what "side" you are on, when you participate in such behavior please remember that it is not a reflection of those you are opposed to, but rather, it is a reflection of yourself.  And ladies, that's just not pretty.